My Hidden Side

silenttremor:

standing alone, old and rusted
with chains that creak and seats that
barely move when the wind blows
having withered with time and disuse
the swing set full of so many memories
yet no way to share them the
swing set stands alone, waiting
for to be remembered

silenttremor:

I stare at the greying sky
hoping against hope that my
voice will some how reach my friends
or somebody who will care,
“Who will help me, bear this burden?
When I can no longer support it, my strength gone
and I edge closer to the dark
of despair, when I crack and fall over, the weight crushing me?
Who will stand next to me, keep me steady
when my legs give on me,
keep me going?
Will anyone try to understand me or simply watch,
not once questioning my denial of pain,
poke and prod, force me to open up to
them and bare my heart?
Will anyone be there when I need
someone to care?”
I ask, my face cast skyward, and as though in
reply, the crack of thunder clogs my ears,
soon followed by torrents of rain.
I slouch and crumble to my knees,
and let the tears stream down my cheeks,
defeated physically and mentally.

My anger is like a slumbering beast
Contained within a cage,
Within the construct of my mind,
Built to keep it restrained,
Built to keep it unaware,
Built to keep it hidden from the world,
Away from the surface
And it remain nonexistent

My anger is contained in a cage
It hasn’t escaped in days

My anger is like a putrid flame
Inside of me
That cannot be extinguished,
Surrounded by a lake
To keep it from spreading,
But the fuel that
Keeps it lit is unknown

My anger is like a parasite
That I keep malnourished
As it burrows through my body,
Trying to spread itself,
To take root in my body
Until it is the only thing alive
In an empty shell

My anger is contained within a cage,
It hasn’t escaped in weeks

My anger is like an infected wound
That I keep dressing and bandaging
But refuses to heal
As it yellows and fills with puss
Yet fails to rot completely
And fall away

My anger is like a demon
That has invaded my mind
To possess my being and control me,
In an attempt to blind me to my actions
And throw into chaos
So I’ll drown

My anger is like a mark on my soul
That has been there since birth,
A label that can’t be removed
For it is a of me that I can’t kill
No matter how hard I try
So it can only by hidden

My anger is contained within a cage
It hasn’t escaped in months

My anger is a beast that I
Keep in a cage

My anger is a flame that I
Surrounded with a lake

My anger is a parasite that I
Deny sustenance to

My anger is an infection that I
Constantly try to heal

My anger is a demon that I
Must fight for control

My anger is a mark that I
Can only hide

The only things that seem to soothe it
That keep it from going berserk
Are the quiet melodies of isolation and loneliness
Playing over the dissonance of
The maelstrom it leaves in its wake

My anger has been contained within a cage

It has been awake and waiting

For years to escape

Why am I still alive…
When I feel like I should die?
I find myself blaming
No one but myself
For all of my
Foolhardy decisions
And being the catalyst

For why I decided to
Forego expressing and feeling
So many emotions that
Simply characterize the human condition

For why I decided to
Seal away my heart
And never experience
The sensations of love and loving

For why I decided to
Cease shedding tears in pain
When I should, even if just
To remind myself that I’m human

Or why I decided to remain silent
Or why I decided to be alone
Or why I decided to not enjoy life
Or why I decided to not befriend people
Or why I decided to hesitate
Or why I decided to not change any of these
Or why I decided to make so many stupid decisions

And every time,
I just blame
Myself

I thought
It was my fault
For people getting to know me,
It was my fault
For my heart breaking,
It was my fault
For friends pushing me away,
It was my fault
For being ignored
It was my fault
It was always my fault
That I came to those decisions earlier

And I tried to find
Justification
For each one

It would let me focus on school
It would help me grow
It would protect me
It would allow me to think
It would… It would do so much,
But they couldn’t,
My decisions never could do anything
Except thrust me int darkness and turmoil

But why am I still alive…
When I feel like I should die?

When I’ve decided that I’m already dead?

silenttremor:

I watch as the flame dances about the wick
as it leaps and swirls, sways and dashes
I smile to myself as I see the audience of light
clap and jeer at the performance, amazed
by the spectacle of the performance.

I begin to tap my fingers on the glass
as though I’m playing an instrument,
creating a rhythm soon followed
by the flame as though it hears it
and danced to the beat from the start.

Soon though the flame vanishes,
the wax gone and the audience
having cleared out, I sigh to myself,
wondering if your dance is as beautiful
when I see a small ember of flame, still dancing.

(via silenttremor)

silenttremor:

The noise, The Noise, THE NOISE!
It’s reached a crescendo, growing louder and louder
Forte, forte, forte
Without a decrescendo anywhere near

The noise the noise the noise!
It has reached a heightened tempo
Accelerato, accelerato, accelerato
To where it becomes incomprehensible

The noise, the noise, the noise!
It’s tearing my mind apart
And flooding my ears,
Bringing me down, clouding my thoughts

The noise, the noise, the noise!
The noise the noise the noise!
THE NOISE THE NOISE THE NOISE!!!

I can’t concentrate
I can’t think
I can’t function
Properly with this noise!

The noise, the noise, the noise!
The NOISE that nobody can hear
Except for me!
This noise that is in my MIND!
THIS NOISE THAT IS DRIVING ME INSANE!

Unceasingly playing in my head,
Denying me solace
Keeping my eyes open all the night
As it builds its crescendo
And when it reaches its climax
Oh yes! Its horrifying climax!
The noise! The noise! The noise!
It refuses to stop and
Keeps torturing me until I scream

So I scream!
I scream and scream and scream
Until my throat is raw
And I can no longer scream

But the noise! The noise remains
Lacking any respite
Until I’m about to break

When suddenly, it stops,
Begetting, at long last, silence.

These walls are closing in on me,
Ensnaring me in a hungering darkness
And consuming my entire being
I don’t know if I’ll be able to open them again,
With a fading glimmer of hope

mikefrawley:

Somewhere
between the moment and the fact
the words the intrigue and the act
I said and fell in love with you
and that somewhere
is where I’ll ever be

The noise, The Noise, THE NOISE!
It’s reached a crescendo, growing louder and louder
Forte, forte, forte
Without a decrescendo anywhere near

The noise the noise the noise!
It has reached a heightened tempo
Accelerato, accelerato, accelerato
To where it becomes incomprehensible

The noise, the noise, the noise!
It’s tearing my mind apart
And flooding my ears,
Bringing me down, clouding my thoughts

The noise, the noise, the noise!
The noise the noise the noise!
THE NOISE THE NOISE THE NOISE!!!

I can’t concentrate
I can’t think
I can’t function
Properly with this noise!

The noise, the noise, the noise!
The NOISE that nobody can hear
Except for me!
This noise that is in my MIND!
THIS NOISE THAT IS DRIVING ME INSANE!

Unceasingly playing in my head,
Denying me solace
Keeping my eyes open all the night
As it builds its crescendo
And when it reaches its climax
Oh yes! Its horrifying climax!
The noise! The noise! The noise!
It refuses to stop and
Keeps torturing me until I scream

So I scream!
I scream and scream and scream
Until my throat is raw
And I can no longer scream

But the noise! The noise remains
Lacking any respite
Until I’m about to break

When suddenly, it stops,
Begetting, at long last, silence.